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Expert Q&A
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| By Chris Crutcher Author, Licensed Child and Family Therapist | ||
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My son is 10. He was my daughter's child, and she could not care for him. Since we have all the photos from his birth and babyhood, we have not told him about the adoption. My daughter is currently in prison and has been since he was a few months old. She has no contact with him. Only our closet family, my mother and my husband's sister, know the truth. The thing is, my son knows he has a "big sister" who is a "screw up." He is a good boy, and while we planned to tell him someday, that someday never came, and now I don't know how, and to be honest, I don't want to. My daughter will not be released from prison until my son is at least 18 years old. Do I wait until then? Oh, help! My heart aches thinking about this."
My heart aches thinking of it. Best case scenario, he grows up knowing. "You came out of this other person into our arms," or something close. Let him feel "picked," chosen.
Now probably isn't the time. He's expanding and finding out who he is, and changing all that right now would likely be too much. I would look for times in his later adolescence when an opening occurs, or when he reaches 18. He has a right to know, because there are issues that will speak directly to that in his life.
I would start NOW getting the idea out of his head that his mother/sister is a "screw up," because if he has this totally negative picture of her all his life, it's going to be a lot harder to reconcile being her son.
You don't want any surprises here, so the people who know had better not be slipping. If that's going to happen, you're better off to tell him yourself soon. But developmentally this isn't a good time. Good luck. He's lucky having someone to pick him."
Related Expert Q&A
- Should I wait to tell my son about his complicated adoption until he is 18?
- We adopted my niece at birth because my sister is mentally challenged. How and when do I tell my daughter?
- When do we tell him of circumstances surrounding his adoption – that we are his grandparents, and his sister is actually his birth mother? HOW do we tell him?
- Is a 2-year-old too young to understand adoption?
More Answers by this Expert
- We recently moved into a new neighborhood, and my 8-year-old son has made friends with the 13-year-old boy next door. They share a common interest in sports, but I am reluctant to encourage the friendship because of the age difference. What should I do?
- Should I wait to tell my son about his complicated adoption until he is 18?
- My husband says an adopted child will feel inferior to our biological children. How can I argue that?
- Some classmates are teasing my son, and I am worried my son will gain a negative image of our family and adoption. What should I do?
- My daughter is getting married and she wants both her adoptive dad – my husband – and her biological father involved. How do I guide her in this? How do we word things on the program?