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Expert Q&A

	By Maxine Chalker MSW, LSW Executive Director Adoptions From the Heart

I am finding it difficult to bond with my newly-adopted child. Is this normal?

Thank you for your question regarding bonding with your adopted child. I don't think this is an unusual situation, but one that many adoptive parents are afraid to bring up with their social worker. However, his/her job is to help the family adjust, not remove a child.

You have probably waited a long time for this wonderful event of parenting to arrive, and now you are wondering why you did this. It is somewhat difficult for me to give you good advice since there are many factors that are unknown to me and need to be considered. You say the child is newly adopted, but I do not know the age of the child and what behavior the child is exhibiting. Also, is the child from a different race or culture? That too could prove to be contributing to the feeling of "strangeness" that you may be feeling. Are you single or married? Try to get help from significant others in your life, family and friends, as well as adoptive parent groups. The latter can be very helpful, as many of these folks may have experienced the same feelings as you are now feeling.

You may be ashamed to admit these feelings, but, once again, you are not alone. Even adjusting to a biological child does not come instantly. New parents often look at their child and think, "Who is this? What am I supposed to be feeling?" They don't feel "love" instantly but everyday care and nurturing of a child builds a relationship and bonding.

If over a few months period this continues, you should seek professional help, either from the agency (or private source) that you adopted from or from a professional who has experience and expertise in the field of adoption. Good luck to you."

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