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Expert Q&A
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| By Chris Crutcher Author, Licensed Child and Family Therapist | ||
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Our son is 8 and in third grade. We adopted him when he was 18 months old. He has known about the adoption since he was 3 years old, and he has blossomed with that information. For a recent school assignment, he wrote a story that mentions having two mothers. A couple boys in his class have started to make fun of him, saying things like "Your moms are gay" and "They aren't your real mom and dad" when he refers to my husband and me. It's not all the time, and generally speaking, I think the boys are doing this to be viewed as cool and not necessarily hurtful.
My son is hurt by it – and rightfully so. It's just that he refuses to say anything to the boys, boys whom he plays with on a regular basis. I want to talk with the teacher and the boys' parents, one of whom I am pretty good friends with, but my son wants me to stay out of it. I am really confused on how to proceed. I would stay out of it, but yesterday he was very quiet and depressed, and when I pushed him as to why, he admitted they were saying things again. I am so worried he will gain a negative imagine of our family and adoption, when up until now it has been really uneventful. What should I do?
I think you have to gauge what you think the damage is, but if you really believe it is taking him down, just say to him that you're going to talk with the other boys' parents and his teachers just to clean things up. Neither of them has to "get the boys in trouble" but can look at it as giving information. It might also be more helpful to talk with him about any questions that have come up about adoption for him.
When he feels bad, the best thing you can do is let him feel bad and open avenues for him to talk about it. Being adopted also means being chosen. The other boys need a little information about the whole "gay" thing, but I guess that comes at a different time.
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More Answers by this Expert
- We recently moved into a new neighborhood, and my 8-year-old son has made friends with the 13-year-old boy next door. They share a common interest in sports, but I am reluctant to encourage the friendship because of the age difference. What should I do?
- Should I wait to tell my son about his complicated adoption until he is 18?
- My husband says an adopted child will feel inferior to our biological children. How can I argue that?
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- My daughter is getting married and she wants both her adoptive dad – my husband – and her biological father involved. How do I guide her in this? How do we word things on the program?