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Home › Expert Q&A › Talking with Children about Adoption › When do we tell him of circumstances surrounding his adoption – that we are his grandparents, and his sister is actually his birth mother? HOW do we tell him?

Expert Q&A

 

By Adolph Brown
Psychologist

I am the adoptive mother of my grandson. My daughter gave birth to him at the age of 15, and my husband and I adopted him and have raised him as our son and her brother. We did this for numerous reasons and of course with the consent of our daughter. My question is this: When do we tell him of circumstances surrounding his adoption – that we are his grandparents, and his sister is actually his birth mother? HOW do we tell him?

You are to be commended on your courageous endeavor. There are numerous circumstances surrounding when to tell your son about his birth parents.

Foremost, deciding to tell him will alleviate unresolved curiosity about his roots. Your son's level of maturity should ultimately determine when he is told. His level of maturity can be determined by his emotional stability, adjustment in the family and overall ability to comprehend issues and events surrounding his adoption.

When telling your son, explain to him how he was "chosen" by you and not necessarily a "consequence" of certain behaviors. Adoptees tend to feel special when they are told that they are chosen by their adoptive parents. With regards to the content of what is said, the truth is a good place to start, with the understanding that "secrets" contain maladaptive energy and can contribute to a history of conflict-ridden family relationships. Based on considerable research in this area, you have many protective factors on your side, one of which is the fact that you are related to the child – that increases the chances of family harmony.

I would also recommend the support of a mental health professional to aid in the case should unforeseen circumstances arise. Also, based on the research of adoptive parents and their respective adoptees, adoptive parents who took steps to help their children learn about their heritage in childhood generally develop stable identities that are healthy blends of their birth and rearing backgrounds."

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