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Expert Q&A
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| By Chris Crutcher Author, Licensed Child and Family Therapist | ||
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I have one beautiful daughter. We adopted her from a teenage mother 12 years ago. It is an open adoption, so she knows her birthmother. Recently, my daughter has started to use the adoption as an excuse. For example, her math grades are slipping. When I called her on it, she said that we (my husband and I) shouldn't be surprised, since she is adopted and we are the ones that are good at math (both engineers) and she must come from a family that's not. It breaks my heart. How should I handle this?
First I'd consider whether not she might be right, which is to say I'd consider whether or not you might have high expectations due to your own histories. Beyond that, when you're 12 years old, any excuse will do when you need to make sense of something and you're developmentally going through huge changes. I'd use humor as my big gun here. I'd let her know, humorously and gently that the "adoption excuse" is not one we take very seriously around these here parts. But I sure wouldn't draw too thick a line in the sand over it.
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More Answers by this Expert
- We recently moved into a new neighborhood, and my 8-year-old son has made friends with the 13-year-old boy next door. They share a common interest in sports, but I am reluctant to encourage the friendship because of the age difference. What should I do?
- Should I wait to tell my son about his complicated adoption until he is 18?
- My husband says an adopted child will feel inferior to our biological children. How can I argue that?
- Some classmates are teasing my son, and I am worried my son will gain a negative image of our family and adoption. What should I do?
- My daughter is getting married and she wants both her adoptive dad – my husband – and her biological father involved. How do I guide her in this? How do we word things on the program?
