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Up Front and Personal with Open Adoption

Is Open Adoption for You?

By Sue Poremba

Ellie Valdez-Honeyman and her husband, Mike, are old pros at parenthood, having adopted five children since the '70s to join their two birth children. For various reasons, the first three adoptions were closed.

"The parents of our two youngest daughters wanted open adoptions," says Valdez-Honeyman of Arvada, Colo. "We have good relationships with both families. We visit back and forth, and we send cards and pictures."

"Open adoption simply means that the birth mother or birth parents have contact with the adoptive parents," says Brette Sember, author of The Adoption Answer Book (Sourcebooks, 2007). "The basic idea behind it is that the child's origins shouldn't be a secret. In the past, adoptions were secret and children grew up without knowing about their birth parents at all. The culture has shifted now, where most people think a child ought to have at least some information about his or her birth parents."

The term "open adoption" covers a wide spectrum, says Amy Cohen, executive director of Adoptions with Love, Inc. "It can be an exchange of first names, or it can be knowing each other intimately throughout the child's life," she says. Some families share letters and photographs while allowing the child to initiate the first in-person meeting.

Before going into an open adoption, both the birth mother and the adoptive parents have to decide what they will be comfortable with and what will be in the best interest of the child.

Cohen says the people most suited for an open adoption are those who are open and flexible and willing to share. Birth mothers must be able to handle giving up the role of the parent, while adoptive couples need to be secure in their role as their child's parents.

Valdez-Honeyman agrees. When she adopted her two youngest daughters, she says, "they were our fourth and fifth adoptions, so we were pretty secure as parents. You need to be sure about your feelings before commiting."

Want to see more?

• Open Minds and Open Hearts: A Glance at Open Adoption
• Bringing Adoption into the Light: The Myths About Adoption
  and How to Fight Them
• All About Birth Mothers: Learning About Those Who Place Their Children for Adoption
• Check out our Article Library.
• Talk about it!