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We're Home! Now What?
Transitioning into a Family
After Adoption By Sue Poremba
After Adoption
Anita Lavine from Seattle, Wash., adopted a daughter from China. She discovered there are a multitude of Web blogs on China adoption, and almost all of them create an idyllic image of life after bringing the child home. She discovered, however, the picture the bloggers painted wasn't her experience.
"I wish I had a bit more realistic idea about the fact that it is a process," Lavine says. She discovered that she and her husband did not instantly bond with their daughter. "Everyone has to figure each other out, learn how the other one works, and then love and attachment grow."
Bringing home an adopted child is a transition for everyone. The child must become adjusted to a foreign environment whether that be a new country, new foods or new faces. But the parents and the existing family also face adjustments, in ways that go far beyond having a baby or new child to love and care for.
Then you bring the child home and you begin to settle into a routine. You discover your child doesn't look you in the eye or squirms at physical contact. You are horrified to find thatwhile you care for the child,there is no deep affection. If you have other children, there might be jealousy or conflict. And you never expected to be this exhausted.
It is not uncommon for parents to suffer from post-adoption depression syndrome, which is similar to postpartum depression after giving birth. You've anticipated the event for so long that a let down is inevitable. Whereas a parent might be willing to ask for help after giving birth, often parents who have adopted are afraid to mention they feel overwhelmed because they might be judged as "unfit" to raise a child.