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Difficult Decisions
Adoption After Infertility
By Laura Lyster-Mensh
"These are quality-of-life issues for procedures without known endings," Clapp says.
After numerous injectables, five IUIs and an unsuccessful IVF, Nell Berry*, 39, of Pittsburgh, Pa., says, "That was it for me. I had no more to give. I could not take another shot or have another sonogram."
Options that involve other people's genetic materials seem to form a cut-off point for other couples. "We were not interested in donor eggs or donor sperm or surrogacy, so we decided to pursue adoption," says Julie Eisman* of Atlanta, Ga., who has been matched with a birthmother due to give birth this month.
"The emotional, physical and financial stress took its toll, and I ended up in the hospital with a possible stroke," says Berry, who is now pursuing domestic adoption.
Many parents bring up time as a major factor in their decision-making. Some couples set a number of cycles or a certain milestone of meaning to them, like an anniversary or birthday. Others feel pressed by age cut-offs for agency adoptions or their doctor's age limits on treatments.
"Some couples decide to adopt without infertility problems," says Maxine Chalker, executive director of Adoptions From the Heart. "Many others set a time frame depending on what infertility treatments they are willing to undergo and for how long."
For some couples, the turning point toward adoption comes when they learn the cause of their infertility or when their physician indicates that all options have been exhausted. "The testing that we did after the miscarriage that gave us 'an answer' as to why we could not have biological children really shut the door for us, and then we could grieve our loss and move ahead to adoption," says Eisman, who tried for two and a half years to resolve her infertility before turning toward adoption.
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