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Tackling the "A" Word
When and How to Tell Children They're Adopted
Parents might consider using the following explanation: "You didn't grow in Mommy's tummy. You have a 'birth mother,' and you grew inside her. She loved you very much. She couldn't take care of you herself, but she wanted someone to take good care of you. Now you are my child, and I am so lucky to be your mommy."
Children may only understand a very small fraction of what has been explained, but as they age and are able to understand more detail, parents will be able to build on an existing foundation. "This way, a child's adoption is never a shock or a surprise," says Dr. Wheeler. "Instead, it is a part of his identity and a natural part of his life."
Dr. Wheeler warns against approaching discussions with children about adoption like it is a "big deal." Children are very astute and know when their parents are upset. They react to adults' emotions and may feel that the topic is something that they should feel upset or ashamed about.
When raising any child, differences and similarities should always be celebrated. "The individuality of any child, adopted or not, should be embraced," says Dr. Wheeler. "It is important for children to know what makes them different and unique, as well as how they are similar to the family and what their role is within the family. Even though your child is not biological, it is OK to talk about how they are similar to you – how they look like you, behave like you, have the same interests, etc., as well as how they are different."
If your child is of a different race or culture, celebrate those differences as well. "Encourage the exploration and celebration of the art, language and culture of your child's country or ethnic background," says Dr. Wheeler. "If possible, introduce your child to people of the same background. By not embracing the cultural differences of your child, you send the message that you are not accepting of them."