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Home › Articles › Adoptive Parenting › Perfect Timing

Perfect Timing

When to Tell Your Child About
His Birthmother

By Jamie Moore

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How did Davis decide whenthe right time was? She let the questions Lamar asked dictate how she and her husband shared information. They've made a pact never to lie and to always explain things slowly in a way Lamar can understand.

In some cases, parents shouldn't wait for the child to start asking questions, saysRussell. "It's the adoptive parents' responsibility to bring up the topic," she says. "Adoptees typically have many more questions about adoption than they ask. They don't want to hurt their adoptive parents' feelings."

Not Like You Planned
Unfortunately, adoptive parents can't always maintain complete control over how and when their child is told he or she is adopted, which is another reason to be proactive about initiating the adoption discussion. "You'll have a hard time avoiding or controlling what often turn out to be cruel remarks or innuendos but were not intended to be cruel,"says an NAIC article. "That will just be part of the territory, so you will have to be thick skinned, positive and forgiving."

Initially, the Davises had problems with extended family giving Lamar misinformation, which has since been resolved. Davis had to reassure Lamar of her love when others telling him she wasn't his mother upset him. "We need to continue to build a common voice in our extended family," says Davis. "Relative adoption often involves a lot of brokenness and hurt; that is something we are working to repair and rebuild. At the same time, your family is your family. You've got to love them for what they are. They are an important part of this process."

Healing in Truth
Although the truth is often complex, it undeniably helps children and families work toward forming more healthy bonds, says McGlory. Initially the consequences of informing an adoptive child of kin relationships can mean fear and confusion. Then comes a sense of belonging. "Adoptees fantasize about birth parents if they aren't in the picture," says Dr. Russell. "Having a relationship or knowledge about birth family members helps the adoptee construct who they are and who is meaningful in their lives."

Children will understand that they were chosen and are valued by their extended family. "They often feel a closer connection to the full relative network," says McGlory. "They more clearly understand the roles of the birth parents, adoptive parents and other extended relatives. This builds security and reduces confusion."

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