No Connection

Surviving Attachment Disorders

By Teri Brown

"Attachment disorders are disruptions in the development of this affectionate bond between parent and child," Purvis says. "They can be caused various ways, including situations following abuse, neglect or trauma. It can also be caused by hospitalization where the child is separated from the caregiver for a prolonged period of time. These situations and others have the potential to cause a rupture in the child's ability to trust. When this happens they become disconnected."

The signs and symptoms of attachment disorders run the gamut from mild to severe. Forbes says that much of the behavioral symptoms published in literature and on the Internet include only the severe behavioral symptoms. These can include being oppositional; frequent and intense anger outbursts; lying; stealing; aggression; manipulative or controlling; little or no conscience; destructive to self, others and property; cruelty to animals; gorging or hoarding food; and preoccupation with fire, blood or violence.

"While that list itself can be quite daunting, the reality is that these behaviors are all quite logical when we consider that a child with a severe history of trauma is living in a deep state of fear and survival," Forbes says. "Their internal survival mechanisms are activated, dedicating all the body's resources to remain alert in survival mode. These children perceive the world as threatening. They operate from a paradigm of fear to ensure their safety and security."

Forbes says these children often have difficulty interacting in relationships, struggle to behave in a loving way, and swing back and forth emotionally due to an underdeveloped regulatory system. More surprisingly, these disorders exist even if the child has been placed in a loving, caring home with adoptive parents who value them. This is because the attachment process was interrupted or damaged before the child was adopted.

"It is imperative to the child's own healing process that the parent not interpret the child's lack of ability to connect in relationship as rejection," Forbes says. "This is exceptionally difficult, however, because many of the child's behaviors can be targeted directly at the parent."

Forbes says a parent needs to think, "my child can't receive my love due to his or her fear state" vs. "my child is rejecting me." When a parent can say, "my child is scared" vs. "my child is angry," there is more emotional space for the relationship to strengthen, which leads to the child learning to regulate through the parent-child relationship.

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