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Off Your Rocker?
Should You Adopt When You're Older?
By Elise Kaplan
When California resident Kay Gustafson first began telling her family that she and her husband were contemplating adoption, her mother's response was straightforward. "She said I was off my rocker," Gustafson says. At that time, eight years ago, Gustafson and her husband were both in their mid-40s and had two prior marriages, five biological kids and much life experience between them. Even their kids, while outwardly polite, had their doubts about the wisdom of bringing then 14-month-old Maly into their family.
Once their new sister came home from Cambodia and they got to know her, however, it didn't take long for the Gustafsons' biological children to fall in love. "They spoil her rotten," Gustafson says. "Actually, I was surprised by how well she fits in. That child was meant to be part of our family."
Although they don't fit the stereotypical image of an adoptive couple, the Gustafsons found that in many ways they were uniquely qualified to adopt. Their social worker pointed out that their flexible concept of family and their comfort with varying from the apparent norm would work in their favor. "We always felt like we were kind of a crazy household," Gustafson says. "We were so far outside the box, we just didn't worry about fitting in."
Susan Poisson-Dollar of Troy, N.Y., also believes that a few extra years have helped her and her husband incorporate 5-year-old Hana into their family. "If anything, age is a benefit," she says. "You know what's typical, know what's normal. You don't go off the deep end when problems arise."
With their considerable track record and understanding, parents in their 40s, 50s and 60s do seem to have an easier time of dealing with the ups and downs of a child's adjustments, but there are still challenges. "Raising Maly hasn't been more difficult than the experience with our biological kids, but it is different," says Gustafson. What surprised her the most was the extent to which Maly came in and took over the family. "She's a very strong-willed child," Gustafson says. "She runs the place." The family has found that adjustment is a process that is measured in years, rather than weeks or months, but one that has rich rewards.
