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Racial Reactions
When Your Family Crosses
Color Lines
Color Lines
By Michele St. Martin
Hall agrees that the idea of transracial adoption is not always easy for families to accept initially. "A lot of us went through infertility, and it was profoundly painful," Hall says. "We struggled with adoption and then with what race of child to adopt. We then expected our immediate families to accept our decision with joy and glee. I'm guilty of this. We have to understand that adopting transracially is a process. Most of us didn't grow up knowing we'd parent children who look very different from us in a racist society. If you need 100-percent support from your family, tell them that."
Hall suggests a letter, so that family members have time to read and digest the news and then act appropriately. "Explain how you got to [the decision to adopt transracially]," she says. "Let family members know that while you're fine with questions, you're not inviting them to try to change your minds."
Sometimes, however, there is a great ally among the family members, she says, and it is rare to see families who don't fall in love with a child. She also stresses the importance of giving ourselves and our families room to learn and grow. "If we had to be perfect by tomorrow, none of us would make it."
On the other hand, she says, "If family members won't accept the child, you have a decision to make. Once you have a child, your loyalty is to that child."
Ilene Watson says that she and her husband, Tom, had the usual concerns that every adoptive parent faces, including the reaction of immediate and extended family when they learned of the decision to adopt a newborn African-American boy. Watson found that patience and honesty were key when discussing their decision with family members.
"When we let them know we were adopting tranracially, they had some concerns," Watson says. "We had many heart-to-heart talks, and once they were able to discuss their concerns, they could see that this was a good idea for us." Happily, their family gave their unwavering support, and the Watsons also say their friends have always been extremely supportive.
