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Great Expectations
Managing Surrogacy Relationships
By Sharon LaMothe
The options of starting a family through surrogacy are peaking. Demand and competition is driving the clinical costs down, and it's more affordable for couples who want their own biological child or who want to raise a newborn through the gift of surrogacy and egg donation.
The giver of the gift of surrogacy and the people who are accepting it have needs and expectations of how the relationship should develop. If a comprehensive plan hasn't been made, then complications can arise.
Let me start by giving a hypothetical situation. Mr. and Mrs. Smith need the help of a surrogate. They accept the offer from a friend, Mary. They feel comfortable with this friendship and trust that this woman will take care of herself during the pregnancy. Mary asks for a certain amount of money to cover costs during pregnancy, and the Smiths agree. In the back of their mind, Mary is being "paid" to carry their baby.
Mary gets pregnant via in vitro fertilization (IVF) and is now carrying twins for the Smiths. The Smiths call her every day to see how she is. They ask if they can do anything. They want to attend all the appointments. They ask the OB if Mary's working, eating, sleeping and sexual activities are OK for their babies.
Mary feels overwhelmed and micromanaged. After all, she has given birth before, and she knows what she is doing. Resentment sets in. Soon she is avoiding phone calls and gritting her teeth through appointments, and her husband is wondering what in the world they got themselves into! The Smiths feel her pulling away and become worried and start to mistrust her actions. They have a right to ask these questions. After all, they are "paying" her, and she is carrying their children. The rest of the pregnancy is filled with stress on both sides, as Mary now can't wait to give birth and get these people off her back.
