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Home › Articles › Adoptive Parenting › Perfect Timing

Perfect Timing

When to Tell Your Child About
His Birthmother

By Jamie Moore

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Sylvia and Ken Davis of Minneapolis, Minn., adopted Sylvia's cousin, Lamar, when he was 3. The couple decided to adopt Lamar, born with a drug addiction, when they saw him withdrawn and malnourished at another family member's home. Like many confused adoptees, Lamar started to ask questions when he was very young. Once, while he and Sylvia were looking at his baby book, he realized his "brothers" had more baby photos than he did. Sylvia seized the moment to explain a few things.

The Davises are among a fast-growing number of people who care for a relative's children in their own homes. According to the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse (NAIC), there are more than 1.3 million American children being raised by relatives who are not their biological parents. Many of these relatives aren't prepared when the moment arrives for "the talk." They may struggle for words, succumb to anger or blame or attempt to cover up the truth.

Jill's Story
Jill Marcus of Orlando, Fla., was adopted by her grandparents but not told the truth until she was 12. By the time her grandmother, who Marcus thought was her mom, sat her down for the talk, Jill had already figured out she was adopted. Not until that day did she discover that the girl she'd grown up with, as a sister, was actually her mom.

"I was instantly transformed from a young innocent to a raging, confused kid," says Marcus. "To add insult to injury, I was told that no neighbors, supposedly, or other family knew, and I was also to keep the secret. The unspoken rule was we don't talk about this shameful secret anymore. So I acted out."

If Marcus could change her circumstances, she would havepreferred to be told the truth early at age 2 or 3.

Timing Is Everything
The best time to begin talking about adoption is when the child joins the family, says Dr. Marlou Russell, a clinical psychologist from Santa Monica, Calif., and the author of Adoption Wisdom: A Guide to the Issues and Feelings of Adoption(Broken Branch Production, 1996). "Families should provide honest and clear information that the child can process early on," she says. "Welcoming a child to the family and acknowledging their complete journey, including time spent with the birth family, is important."

Social worker Carmita McGlory of Minneapolis, Minn., agrees that adopted children need information they can understand at the earliest possible age. "Between the ages of 3 and 10, parents should be working to help their adopted children define family roles, answer questions and feel loved," says McGlory, program director and licensed social worker at the African American Adoption Agency, which specializes in relative adoption.

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